I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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