I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
