I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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