I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
