All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
