I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
