i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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