i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
