I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
we should paint friendship bongs
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