Im at strip club and am horny
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
This is the high leading the old right now
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
