Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
