she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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