You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize