i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
