I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
