is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
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