Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize