someone threw a dead crab at me
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
