i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
