i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
