I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
