sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
