Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
