Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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