I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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