i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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