i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
