...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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