Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
