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But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
