Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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