Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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