Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
