I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
