Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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