I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
it's great music for shaving your balls
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
