Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
