Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
