he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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