you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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