How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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