complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
