Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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