I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
