did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
