I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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