my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Randomize
