I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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