I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
