In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
