Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
