Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
