Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
