She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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