why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
