did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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