Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
