I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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