someone get that fucking seahorse.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
