Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
